I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
