I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
