the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
