So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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