Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
