I like to think it a success when the cops are called
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
