i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
