Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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