Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
