My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
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This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
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I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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