apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
