which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
