Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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