How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
