My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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