woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
