i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i think i just lost a toe
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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