I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
