Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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