Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
