You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize