After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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