I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
