Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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