I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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