You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
