after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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