i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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