So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
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I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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