I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
