Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
