Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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