party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
