There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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