i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
