cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i drank out of a bidet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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