after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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