Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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