I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
