All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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