Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
