I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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