used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
