After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm just crazy horny about you
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
