he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i will never coherently bang her
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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