I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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