Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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