I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
