The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
