I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
