I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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