the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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