Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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