his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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