I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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