Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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